TEARS

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I am married to man in option, not of my dream . He is very good man, well behaved and loves me. I am living my life. I am walking in aisle with baby product. I cannot hold it. I am sobbing in the floor like a tinny toddler crawling and demanding. My tears are rolling down my face. I am very upset with everything that is happening around me. I have discovered that I am pregnant. This is my very first time. I am still not ready with motherhood. But I have been demanding child with my husband every time we make love. Is it because of hormones disorder? In pregnancy, women goes through all mood swings existing in world. I don't want baby. I am not ready . I demand a baby while making love, it is to arouse myself. It helps both of us to cum fast. It was exciting to know that we were pregnant. Actually my husband believes that he is also pregnant. I didn't had my periods. I was three weeks late and he always withdraw it out. I was confident but I checked in pregnancy kit this morning. It showed two lines which means positive. I tried several packs and it showed same result. I told my husband and he was shocked at first and happy. He lifted me in his arms. He congratulated us for being pregnant. Here I am crying in baby care section of department store. I don't want this to happen to me. There is responsibility within me. There is life growing in my womb. I have to be loyal to this one. I have to live for this one. I won't be able to do anything on my choice anymore. I will be doing everything for the rest of my life, for the life that is living within me. I always wanted to be mother of child of my boyfriend not this man I am married to. Look at me! I am bounded by the sperm of the man . I always wanted to run away from this man. I always wanted to leave his house without telling or explaining him why. I never did that because it is convenient for me to stay with him. I don't know if I love him. I love making love with him because he knows all the tricks. I am very satisfied with him sexually. I haven't cheated him ever.The only  problem is I cannot look into his eyes and say I love you. I have never done that. He would look into my eyes and say that he loves me and i would casually make a joke out of it . And say i love you too. I always cheated you by not loving you the way you do. Or let me  explain I don't love you the way I know how to love. Will I be able to love this baby the way I know? Will I be able to sacrifice everything just to make my baby happy? Will I be able to stick with commitment? Will I never leave you and run away? Will I stop chasing my other dreams to be with my baby? I am feeling very low. Tears are still flowing down my eyes and i am still crying. Somebody tab me and asked, "are you okay?". I looked up and saw store worker. I stand up and said I am sorry. I am okay. I am not able to look at him back. I ran out of store in Manassas, Virginia. Tears that torn my heart . 

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